ahh...memories...

it's funny when all we have is
a strange amalgam of online opinion
to document this multifaceted time of art.

recently, when hearing that my letter
was removed from the noiseboard,
(this, i have now found may or may not be true)
i can't go on that forum,
my voice is very small compared to others...
but in thinking about how that clique
is so devoted to their own
(as any group - who can fault them)

i realized that people won't know the truth
about the whole situation.

so here is the quick history of il corral
stane put down the thousands of dollars
to secure what is now il corral
and bob b. with another roommate (mike) moved in.

shows started in january two years ago

soon after, the place not being to his carpet-liking tastes
mike, the other roommate, left
and i took his place in april

since then the three of us ran the place
stane and i with bob,
until bob decided he too needed carpet and
a house to buy of his own
so he left in novemeber
to go on an extended european and u.s. tour

when he returned there was thought that he would
rent a room,
which didn't seem to his liking eventually
so he left
on the outside it was verbal contracts being based in true faith
we had set up to buy the sound system
already having paid $96 from a donation to him
with his thumbprint on the wall charting our progress...

evidently there was something amiss with bob
that i was wholly unaware with

after leaving no word to us and taking the sound system
(which he had made a verbal contract with me
signed his thumbprint to the money we had already given him,
and we were family.
we were family, and he betrayed us so cruelly
from where i'll never know...)

when he left, he did not just choose to go elsewhere
he sent an inflammatory lie to the noiseboard
and to our group (at that time a yahoo group)
which stated that stane and i had stolen
$1000 from turn the screws (winter festival)

at the time i of course went through the books
and could account for all but $120.

but bob was right about something
stane and i did not have our finances talking to each other.

actually, when all was said and done
the house owed us $264 from emergency fees
paid during the festival for the bathroom overflowing.
from turn the screws -
bob saw us cut the check to the plumbers.

when i made this statement in writing on the noiseboard
it was met with accusations and name-calling
that was suspiciously violent,
and those who truly supported us
who showed their colors.

obviously, there lies a greater system than i first understood.

to talk of these things sickens me,
but i had to finally make the statement about the situation.

bob lied, had no basis for his lie,
and never asked us about the money
before making his slander.

since then we have gone through another
set of collaborators,
and now, we have some artists here
who are really on it.

simple things, like cleaning,
or helping with the door,
and being excited about this place
goes a long way.
i hope i will enjoy to watch it grow.

the memories of bob's betrayal
echo through the awkwardness of his friends
as we see them in mutual spaces...
luckily many of them are not welcome
and they figured that out quickly.

this is not the way i would want it...
i would want it to be the way it was...
it was such synergy, and
even with egos and logistics and threats of physical violence
it was worth it.
it was so beautiful,
and bob wanted that to die.

it is as the story of the bird.
the buddha as a young man
and his cousin
were out in the forest,
as his cousin loved the hunt.
he shot a bird and claimed it was his.
the buddha said that the bird was not dead,
so he would heal it,
and that he rightly owned it.
they took their disputes to the judges
who said that the life of anything
belongs to the one who will care
and nourish it
not the one who
would kill it

this is our place, for you, because we want to nourish it.

for those who are still loyal to the idea
of this all-ages mayhem
i send my greatest love.

to those who are new:
know that much drama has occurred
to get this place as stable as it is now.
but that if reconciliation is possible on all counts
it will take very slow time.
but my heart breaks as i say these things.

it is always hard,
i accepted that it always would be
when i committed to staying through all storm or blossom,
but when there is the magic of a show
where everyone is not just touched but hit & knocked over
by what they are doing or seeing or being part of...
that is when i forget the past,
and see the future as a bright and promising now.

so i can withstand any attack,
any drama,
i diffuse it and refuse to become it's slave.

but for the record,
which other people didn't want anyone to know about
there was NEVER any money taken out of the house
to pay for anything but the house.

there was one month when we had a mass amounts of
shows and rentals.
it was the rentals that took 18 dollars
off of each of our rent,
and that was a great day,
because we were struggling.

that's the truth,
plain and simple.

and for posterity,
i want it known.

because now is our time,
to create the art that is memory
and to mold memory into the immortal art.

i want this place to become great to the people
who come here,
and that is all i want.
the few the present
the artists of our time
without budgets and egos
now when we're somewhat pure
if that even exists...

sub-avant-garde...guarding nothing but our right to thrive.

this place is blessed and i am so thankful
to everyone who has believed in it.

my eternal gratitude and respect.